Talking to a Shrink

while coming home from university I was thinking [about not hitting the trees, hopefully?] that I actually should be keeping journal rather in German than English [because it is my German exam in less than 2 months] an how pointless an English blog is.. I use English almost everyday, though for stupid and private matters [like reading move news, texting my friends.. and films and music are also involved..] but German pops up every Wednesday night when I realize I had some homework due Thursday. great! no even - brilliant!

and now I've done some English reading again, but I don't regret it..
firstly -> it was fun.
secondly -> I have 'learned' [found out some new words].

1) aberration - the act of departing from the right, normal, or usual course. [but i like this translation much more] mental irregularity or disorder, esp. of a minor or temporary nature; lapse from a sound mental state. [i'm going to use it]

2) vapid - the act of departing from the right, normal, or usual course.

3) love muffin - Someone being your lover, bit on the side, or just insanely and amazingly gorgeous. [hmm - who could it be?]

4) intersperse - to scatter here and there or place at intervals among other things.

5) demeanor - conduct; behavior; deportment.

6) subtlety - delicacy or nicety of character or meaning.

7) pensively - dreamily or wistfully thoughtful.

8) chastity - virginity, immaculacy, purity.

9) smitten - grievously or disastrously stricken or afflicted.

[ok - this will do for now - or I'll forget even these / and I have to go..]

Hi! I’m going to tell you a story. A story my grandmother told me, when I was little, but I didn’t like it then. It wasn’t colorful or shiny or romantic or glorious… It was grey and true just like our life was. What was there to like? But I do like it now. Not that my life has changed a lot.

At first I would like to introduce myself: my name is Ben and I’m a rat. Oh! I hope it doesn’t disgust you, because humans don’t like us much. It kills me sometimes, how people treat rats. It literally KILLS ME! And I want to warn you – I’m not a good story teller. My granny was though, but I’ll try as well as I can.
So much about me, let’s go back to the story…

It happened some time ago… for me, but probably just a decade for you. Sorry – I don’t fully understand human time system. Well, never mind when it happened – the only thing that matters is that it did happen. There was that rat called Sarah. But she wasn’t a street rat like me, she was a pet rat, you know – the ones you humans put into cages and feed a lot. Oh, I don’t judge you, some of those rats are really happy. Some… Well Sarah was. She was very happy. Her owner was a bit imaginative, romantic and absolutely sincere girl. Sarah was treated like a princess. Not only treated but even named after a princess. Have you read “A Little Princess” by Frances Hodgson Burnett? If you haven’t you totally should! I mean – it’s a really good book, even I’ve read it! Okay, I won’t lie to you – I listened from a basement one mother read it to her daughter. But I’m talking about me again, excuse me.

Sarah knew she was a princess, because she was usually called ‘my little princess’, who wouldn’t understand that?! But as you and me know life isn’t fair and very little resembles cake eating. It was the same for little Sarah, but she didn’t know that. Yet.

At all happened in one bright summer morning, Sarah was out playing with her mistress. She loved the girl too much to run away, so she was often out in a fresh air. At first they played in a yard, but something sprang to the girl’s mind.. Oh, you know, I don’t get it – you people have all those stupid ideas in the wrong time, it kills me! Nobody knows – what she was thinking at the time, but the girl just ran on a street..

A car hit her. It was a hit and run accident. A lot of people came down to the scene. Some of them shouted, some cried, some called the police. Ambulance arrived. And Sarah sat there. She sat there for two days. The girl died in hospital. She never came back and nobody else went looking for the rat.

Naturally – Sarah got ravishingly hungry. She had no idea were to get food so she went off just wandering al around the town. At first she tried to communicate to you – people. But you remember what I told you about human treatment of rats – it sucks! Oops, sorry, not the best word to use in a children story.. She was hit and ran after. Sarah hadn’t been so afraid, cold and hungry before! And soon enough she became hopeless…

She was found unconscious by an old street rat, who brought her into our world. In a weeks time Sarah was back on her paws. She was very grateful to her rescuer and she didn’t leave. She stayed to help the old rat, whose name was Frieda. Frieda taught Sarah how to find food and home and treat other rats, other animals and humans. But Sarah didn’t believe her, when Frieda said that world is cruel, that she has to be careful. Sarah was nice to everybody. She made a lot of friends… and enemies… We rats are pretty much like you people that way – we can envy and hate each over, we can sacrifice ourselves to save our loved ones. Sarah brought hope and sunshine into our gloomy existence, she made taught us smile and laugh. The funny part is she was called ‘a princess’ among us. It pleased her, but she never got proud. She just was as she was. Which is the simplest rule of a happy life – just be who you are! So simple, so easy to remember and equally easy to forget…

There were some rats, who laughed at her.
- Where is your crown, lil’ princess, huh? – They shouted after her. She kept being nice to them too, which irritated them even more. And you can’t imagine what they did. I’m ashamed to tell it, but I have to. You know how it feels when somebody punches you into the most painful place or speaks aloud about the silent secret of your heart? Sarah learned that too. She was told – that the girl survived and was looking for her and crying her eyes out. Without any second thoughts Sarah said farewell to all her friends and went looking for a girl. But she didn’t know, where she was, rats where moving from time to time when people discovered them and asked for help of rat poison.

Sarah was crisscrossing the town for a week. Some friends of hers came for her, asked her to return, but she wouldn’t listen. Her paws were bloody, her stomach – empty, her eyes swollen, but she kept meandering street after street, garden after garden, house after house. She died of exhaustion and undernourishment. She died worrying about the girl.

- She is my little princess. And my little princess needs me. – Was all she kept on babbling.

I don’t know the moral of this story or even whether it has one. But I absolutely adore such a strong friendship between two so different beings. And I would like to tell you – that they met somewhere in heaven, but we rats don’t believe in God. Oops, another bad thing to tell kids. To my own children I say – they met in another life… But you should be realistic, you’re human you know!

I gotta go now… Bye!

I'd just finished to listen my audiobook and decided to listen to some music for a change. But it was harder then i thought... Everything irritated me.

[first song: The Kooks - Seaside]
- "Do you want to go to the seaside?"
- No, thanks. You crazy? I'm freezing down here. It's middle of October, for God's sake!

[second: The Cure - Friday I'm In Love]
- "I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too"
- Well, I do!

[third: Elbow - One Day Like This]
- "Drinking in the morning sun"
- There's no sun, and it's too early for drinking so don't tempt me!

[forth: Blue October - You Make Me Smile]
- "There's some kind of light at the end"
- Good for you.

[fifth: Blue October - Should Be Loved]
- "Stop staring, you’re the reason I feel so unhappy all the time"
- Yeah, me too.

[sixth: Jane's Addiction - Wrong Girl]
- "You messed with the wrong girl"
- Did I?!

[seventh: Regina Spektor - On The Radio]
- "This is how it works, It feels a little worse"
- I know what you mean. I guess.

So I listened to the whole song. And it was the only song I listened longer than 10 seconds throughout the day. Creepy..

'If they killed him tonight, at least he would die alive.'

/from "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak/

- Well, I understand why did everybody like you so much at the beginning; because you weren't like anybody else, you were completely different and original. Now you 100% same as everybody else. What I don't get is why do they still like you so much?!
- Huh, they don't think I'm the copycat, they think everybody else is. Everybody is like me.. for them..

People in love are blind.
They don't see that the other person doesn't like them.

... instead of "empire state building" you read "vampire state building"

'Here is a list of the people that Andrew and David have hitherto regarded as talentless, overrated, or simply wankers: Oasis, the Stones, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Robbie Williams, Kingsley Amis, Martin Amis, Evelyn Waugh, Auberon Waugh, Salman Rushdie, Jeffrey Archer, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, William Shakespeare (although to be fair they despise the comedies and some of the history plays only), Charles Dickens, E. M. Forster, Daniel Day-Lewis, the Monty Python team, Gore Vidal, John Updike, Thomas Harris, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Milan Kundera, Damien Hirst, Tracey Emin, Melvyn Bragg, Dennis Bergkamp David Beckham, Ryan Giggs, Sam Mendes, Anthony Burgess, Virginia Woolf, Michael Nyman, Philip Glass, Steven Spielberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ted Hughes, Mark Hughes, Sylvia Plath, Stevie Smith, Maggie Smith, the Smiths, Alan Ayckbourn, Harold Pinter, David Mamet, Tom Stoppard, of course, all other contemporary playwrights, Garrison Keillor, Sue Lawley, James Naughtie, Jeremy Paxman, Carole King, James Taylor, Kenneth Branagh, Van Morrison, Jim Morrison, Courtney Love, Courtney Cox and the entire cast of Friends, Ben Elton, Stephen Fry, Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras and all contemporary male tennis players, Monica Seles and all female tennis players throughout the history, Pele, Maradona, Linford Christie, Maurice Greene (‘How can a sprinter who’s faster than anyone else be overrated?’ I asked once, despairingly, but I received no satisfactory reply), T. S. Eliot and Ezra Pound, Gilbert and Sullivan, Gilbert and George, Ben and Jerry, Powell and Presburger, Marks and Spencer, the Coen Brothers, Stevie Wonder, Nicole Farhi and enyone who designs fucking suits for a living, Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, Johnny Depp, Steven Sondheim, Bart Simpson (but not Homer Simpson),Homer, Virgil, Coleridge, Keats and all the Romantic poets, Jane Austen, all the Brontes, all the Kennedys, the people who made the film of Trainspotting, the people who made the film of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Madonna, the Pope, anyone they were at school with who is now making a name for themselves in field of journalism, broadcasting or the arts, and many, many others, so many others, too many to list here. It is easier, in fact, to write down the people in world history that they both like: Bob Dylan (although not recently), Graham Greene, Quentin Tarantino and Tony Hancock. I can’t remember anyone else ever receiving the double thumbs-up from these two guardians of our culture.'

/Nick Hornby "How To Be Good"/

morning, 4.09 a.m.

I've seen death tonight.
I've touched death tonight.
And I hate it.
I hate so much, I could kill it.

day, 4.20 p.m.

Me in the bathroom. Mum tries the door.
- Hey, who's in there?
- Me.
- Ah. What are you doing?
- Cutting my wrists.
- Oh. Ok. [I won't bother]

evening, 10.30

Death is painless. Life isn't.

in memory of Archibald Archibaldowic Archer.
'Blue Sunshine' is his song now. Officially.

7 hours with me and my friend [a total Twilight-hater] wants to see the movie.
i told her the movie is horrible, she said that's why she wants to see it before she reads the books.
it's almost scary..
how dependent friends are on the opion of one another.